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Make Her Feel Like She’s Your #1 (in 20 Minutes)

In my last blog we discussed the idea of how to make your wife happy.  Insert obvious joke here.  We introduced the topic of Attention, including Undivided Attention (no TV, no cell phones, no electronic devices of any kind), and assuming the position (sitting close to your wife, arms and legs uncrossed, while maintaining eye contact).  Explanations and the importance of these can be found in my previous blog.   Homework was give to practice 2 minutes of Undivided Attention every day for the past 7 days.  So, how did it go?  Was it weird and uncomfortable?  Did it get easier the more you practiced?  Were you able to discuss your experience with your partner afterwards? 

Each blog will add on to the previous, so if you haven’t yet, go back to the first.  Subsequent blogs will make more sense, and hopefully, result in a richer learning experience.  For now, let’s continue with the specific tools for Attention, so that you can spend less time reading these blogs, and more time implementing the tools.  The next exercise requires twenty minutes of your time.  I haven’t come up with a title for this exercise, so if you think of one, let me know.  These twenty minutes belong to your wife.  They are hers.  For whatever she wants.  If she wants you to ‘Assume the position’ and talk about her day, help her with the kids, set the table for dinner, help to make dinner, take out the garbage, help the kids with homework, fold the laundry, or to run her a hot bath, those twenty minutes belong to her.  Sometimes she will say she doesn’t need or want anything.  We call that a Free Pass.  Why do we give her twenty minutes of Attention?  You need to make your wife feel as though she is your #1!  When she feels like she’s number 1, she will be happy.  And when she’s happy, she will multiply that happiness and return it to you ten-fold.  HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE.  

Many couples I work with incorporate this exercise into the first twenty minutes when both partners arrive home.  It becomes a part of their daily routine.  It is also doesn’t require a great deal of time, and yet is such a valuable exercise for connection.  Now, many couples have small children, so twenty minutes right when both partners walk through the door is not an option.  Kids need to be fed, homework completed, children put to bed.  In this case, many have chosen to schedule their twenty minutes as soon as the kids are put to bed.  So choose a time that works for both of you, and try to keep it the same time every day.  It must be a regular part of your day, just like brushing your teeth.

One couple I work with told me a story that perfectly demonstrates why you need to make your wife feel like she’s #1.  The husband came home after a long and tiring day work, and subsequently collapsed on the couch after taking off his coat and shoes.  His wife walks over, gives him a kiss on his forehead, and asks him if he would like to talk.  He barely lifts his head before he says, “Too tired to talk.”  She then asks him if he would like something to drink.  “Too tired to drink,” he utters.  She covers him with a blanket and leaves him to rest.  A few minutes later the phone rings.  She picks up the phone, and after recognizing the voice, quietly whispers to her husband that his client is on the other line, and should she take a message.  Not a second later, the husband bolts up right, grabs the phone with a completely renewed sense of energy and enthusiasm.  “Hello Mr. Spears!  Of course this is a great time to chat.  No problem at all.  Please tell me what I can do for you.  I’ll be there in five minutes!”  He ends the call, throws on his jacket, and turns towards his wife to tell her he’d back right back, when he see her expression.  He’s not sure what’s just happened.  But something tells him he’s in trouble.

She looks at him calmly, and in a soft tone says, “You’ve just shown me how you’re going to greet me everyday when you get home; for the rest of your life.  When you don’t, you’re telling me that I’m not as important to you as your client.”  You must make her feel as though she is your #1.

Now it’s your turn.  Start implementing your twenty minutes of Attention today.  Figure out with your wife when is the best time, and get going.  It will take practice and it does require effort to make it happen.  But I can tell you that it works.  Couples who practice this exercise report higher levels of connection and happiness.  Give it a go and see what happens.  Good luck!

Lots of love!

By Jaime  Saibil, Psychotherapist

 

 

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